Alton Browns Crazed Preelection Twitter Rant Is Food for the Soul

This year has broken so many of us, but perhaps none in more delightful a fashion than Food Network TV host and James Beard Award winner Alton Brown. On the eve of Election Day, Brown appears to have sublimated his rage and anxiety into a deranged food rant, which he shared with his 4 million Twitter followers, starting with, “So many Food Network people are like ‘oh, I’m going to braise short ribs in elderberry jam …’ Screw that, I’m going to mainline moon pies and snort cheese powder!” A curious fan asked which cheese, to which Brown replied, “IT DOESN’T FUCKING MATTER!” Fair enough. He continued, “YOU THINK YOU KNOW WHAT CRAZY LOOKS LIKE? I’VE GOT MARSHMALLOW FLUFF AND THREE FEET OF GARDEN HOSE! YOU WANNA DANCE?” At one point, a follower asked if it was time for “a wellness check,” but Brown insisted, “I’M FINE.” He later added, “Turn off the lights and run 23 Slim Jims through the juicer,” along with the ominous message, “I want you to go out right now and buy Fritos and cat food.” Whether you choose to read it as prescriptive or as prose poetry, Brown’s full thread is below.

So many Food Network people are like "oh, I'm going to braise short ribs in elderberry jam..." Screw that, I'm going to mainline moon pies and snort cheese powder!

I'M TALKING ABOUT PIPING SPAGHETTIOS INTO STALE TWINKIES AND EATING THEM NAKED IN THE SHOWER WITH A BOTTLE OF JAEGER

I HAVE 17 CANS OF DUNCAN HINES FROSTING AND I'M NOT AFRAID TO USE THEM. BACK THE HELL OFF!

YOU THINK YOU KNOW WHAT CRAZY LOOKS LIKE? I'VE GOT MARSHMALLOW FLUFF AND THREE FEET OF GARDEN HOSE! YOU WANNA DANCE?

I'LL DEAL WITH YOU AS SOON AS I'M DONE WITH THIS CAPT CRUNCH SITZ BATH.

TWO WORDS: RANCH...STINGS.

MURDER HORNET FONDUE

HAS ANYONE ACTUALLY EVER MET A "JOLLY RANCHER"?

YOU WANNA EAT WITH THE DEVIL IN THE PALE MOONLIGHT? FINE...EAR WAX.

PRINCE SAID IT BEST "LET'S GET CRAZY."

SWISS FREAKIN' MEATBALLS FOR EVERYONE

GRAPENUTS ROCK...ESPECIALLY WITH HALF N HALF AND SCOTCH.

I'M MAD AS HELL AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANY MORE.

CANNED FRUIT SALAD AND CHEEZE WIZ WITH HERSHEY'S SYRUP AND GIN

I want you to go out right now and buy Fritos and cat food.

Turn off the lights and run 23 Slim Jims through the juicer.

who's with me?

I SAID "WHO'S WITH ME"?

I think I blacked out. What'd I miss?

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